The Pampered Chef

Let's get this little tidbit of info out of the way: I eat dinner at my mom's every night. No, this is not an exaggeration. I eat at my parents' house every single night. Well, OK...on Saturdays, I give mom a day of rest from me. Hell, even G-d needed a day off, right?

The sad thing is, three years ago, when I moved into my own place, for the first, oh, week or two, I was a cookin' fool. I mean, I went grocery shopping, I made some pretty cool pasta and chicken dishes and then...well, let's just say that H-Def's grocery lists and recipes went--how do I put this delicately?--up in smoke. Yes, once again, Hal's Stoner Phase comes into play again. After that, there was no more olive oil or ravioli; no more grilled chicken. No more marinara sauce and Parmesan cheese.

But let's just face the facts alright? Cooking had never been my thing anyway. Then again, neither has muti-tasking. I like things done, one at a time. It's just the way I am. I mean, the idea of stirring, slicing, and heating shit, all at the same time, is stressful enough--in my mind anyway--to make a blood vessel burst in my eye. Making a three-cheese, cream cheese omelette's really the best I've ever been able to do. Don't laugh, though. I make a mean fuckin' omelette (secret ingredient? Basil leaf)!! And ladies, just think: This is what you could be waking up to in the morning!! Am I a catch or what?!?!

So, needless to say, tonight was a big night for me. It was the grand re-opening of H-Def's Kitchen. I cooked this tasty-as-hell Mexican chicken and bean recipe that was passed down to me from a chef extraordinaire named X.

Let's rewind just a teensy bit. On a whim, last Thursday night, I went grocery shopping. What can I say? I just felt the urge to do something constructive with my time. Who'd a thunk it, right? Afterward, I felt even more inspired. It was then that I swore to myself that this upcoming Monday, on my day off, I was going to MAKE breakfast. Not instant oatmeal. Not raisin bran. A real home-cooked breakfast.

So, on Monday, I made myself that omelet mentioned earlier, some toast and I washed it all down with some OJ. It was better than any breakfast I'd had in years. Yes, it was even better than leftover Chinese on Sunday mornings--good times!!

So, I thought to myself, if I can do this, why can't I make something else? What's holding me back, right? So, with that, I asked Chef X for a recipe to start me on my culinary journey. She answered with only this: "Make this. This is good."
So wise is she.

Mexican Chicken and Beans

1 lb chicken breast strips for stir-fry
1 package (1.25 oz) Old El Paso® taco seasoning mix
1 can (15 oz) Progresso® black or pinto beans, drained, rinsed
1 can (11 oz) Green Giant® Mexicorn® whole kernel corn with red and green peppers, undrained
¼ cup water
Tortillas, if desired

1. Spray 10-inch skillet with cooking spray. Add chicken to skillet; cook over medium-high heat 8 to 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, until no longer pink in center.
2. Stir in seasoning mix, beans, corn and water. Cook over medium-high heat 8 to 10 minutes, stirring frequently, until sauce is slightly thickened.
3. Serve with tortillas.

So, it was supposed to be an easy dish. Nothing that would "break the bank" or cause too much stress in its preparation. Yeah, look whose blog you're reading. Yeah, you got it: World's Biggest Freak.

Let's start out by saying, I hate handling raw chicken. It's disgusting. It's wet, slimy and it makes my hands sticky and all ooey-gooey. However, chicken was what X's recipe called for, so chicken it was!! I chopped the chicken up and neatly placed the strips into the pan. I was good to go.

But WAIT!!! What about salmonella?! Shouldn't I rinse the chicken of its nasty juices? What if I don't and Derek (my dining companion/guinea pig) and I eat it and die?!?! I mean, I saw this episode of "House" where he like pulled a 50' tapeworm out of some chick's gut! Could that happen to me?! That would really SUCK!!!! So, I quickly pulled the chicken out and rinsed it in a strainer. After that, I cleaned the pan to get any of that bacteria-infested juice out. THEN I put the chicken in.

Still, there was some clear liquid floating around. Can't have THAT!! I kid you not, readers, when tell you that I had my own little Buster Keaton silent film going on in the privacy of my own kitchen as I attempted to pour out any excess liquid into the sink without spilling the chicken and burning myself. OK, yeah...It got to the point where even I was finally like fuck it. I'll live. Besides, I'm due for another weekly doc appointment anyway. The last part was a joke, people, so you can stop shaking your heads now. Thank you!

After about 20 minutes or so, the whole thing was done. Yeah, I did it in my own crazed Hal way, but it was sooooo worth it!! It was delicious, sure, but it was great feeding someone for a change. That is, feeding someone in a way that didn't involve asking whether they wanted some more Triscuits. Truth be told, one of the reasons I don't usually cook is because after all of the work and time put in, everything gets eaten so quickly. What's the point, right? Besides, it's kind of lonely just cooking for one.

From the spicy Mexican aroma that filled my house to biting into that first piece of (cooked, thank you!!) chicken, this experience filled me with a hope that, even after years of leaching off the parental units' food supply, plus a million more excuses and "I can'ts," it's never too late to start trying. In fact, I've decided to make Tuesday a special night for cooking. That's right, every Tuesday night, I am going to cook a new dish for a special guest (more are invited, too! Y'all don't be strangers, ya hear?!).

As many of you may have noticed, these last few weeks, I really have been trying to see what I'm made of, see what it's like to step outside the big, cozy plastic bubble that has been my somewhat sheltered existence. Now, I know that making one meal doesn't make me Top Chef by any means. I know I'm not the most resourceful person in the world and, yeah, I still have a lot of fears and issues to work on (who doesn't?), but I do think this first step in cooking has made one thing crystal clear:

It's never too late to take yourself off the back burner.