The Odd-yssey

There was a time in my life where people would pat me on the back and say, "dude...I may live 100 years, but I will never, ever meet anyone like you again. Ever." I used to beam with pride--even blush a little--when people would say that.

Things change. Apparently, now I'm just odd.

Well, let's face it: I'm this hypochondriac, OCD-afflicted, needy, oversensitive nebbish. And what was once sort of quirky and adorable has slowly begun to curdle into...just...odd. It's getting to the point where, well, it's hard to be taken seriously anymore.

Hell, at the gym today, I even asked my father, "hey...dad...do you think I'm...odd?" It broke my heart when he had to hesitate before finally answering: "Well...you, um, have a way about you, sure." He said it gently and with the best of intentions, to be sure, and I really tried to not let him see the hurt in my face. Maybe he noticed, maybe he didn't.

Later on, I came across one of the guys whom I met last night at the Jewish 20's and 30's shindig. He saw me, just barely nodded his head at me, and kept right on walking. Was I too outgoing, last night? Do I alienate people by putting myself too far out there, by being too eager to please? I always thought it was a good thing to be yourself, to stick out. Yeah, I understand the concept of the Happy Medium, but where's the fun in staying at one constant level? Booooring....right?

Yet, lately, my quirks seem to be taking control of my life. I'm ALWAYS on: My mind races. I talk and talk and talk without ever pausing. I second- and third-guess every move I make. The other day, I finally confided in a friend that it's just--it's fucking exhausting!! Really, I would just love to have one day go by where I can get through it without having to ask myself...did I make it?! A day where I'm not constantly monitoring my own behavior and I can just be.

So, yeah...maybe I am odd. But is it too late to change? Has it really gotten to that Point of No Return; the point where I just have to move to a brand new city or state to start fresh? To a place where people won't constantly think to themselves the one line that consistently enters the minds of every person I collide with:

"Chalk it up to Hal."

Oh, don't get me wrong...I like me. At least, the person I am at the very core: the sweet, witty person who tries to make people happy. I love that person!! I think that person is the reason why people continue to stick around as long as they do before things become tedious. The rest, though, is just--it's not really who I am. And yet, I've been this apologetic whirlwind of insecurity and self-doubt and self-depreciation--this grotesque, cartoon character version of myself--for so long, is it even possible for me to just go back and find The Real Me?

When exactly is it too late to start over and become the best version of oneself?