Pins & Needles

It's like that impossible itch that you just can't scratch.

I find myself constantly wondering what's missing in my life. It's like, I can feel an absence of some sort and yet, I'm not sure what it is and what it will take to fill that void. I mean, I'm pretty happy with myself, at this point in my life. And yet, I'm not sure I'm happy with where I am in life.

Truth be told, I have no idea what to do with myself, sometimes ('course, I'm sure there are a few of you out there that could tell me without hesitation)!! I'm on schpilkes (yiddish for "pins and needles"), dammit!!

In elementary school, I recall staring out the windows, into the distance, wondering when I would get to explore what was out there. I didn't really have a particular destination. I just always would imagine what it would be like to just drive and drive and drive into that great beyond, that line in the distance where the sky touches the earth (yes, that was me trying to use word pictures. Sorry. I'll keep it to a minimum, but you caught my drift, didn't you?)

For a while now, I've felt as if life were passing me by and the thing of it is, I don't know how to stop it. There are moments when I wish I could just freeze time (like Hiro Nakamura on "Heroes," only without that icky constipated look on my face), just so I could have a moment to breathe and figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing and I could take my attention away from all of the more successful people passing me by.

But it doesn't work like that. You have to act and you have to act fast, otherwise, you're screwed and stranded in a place that's worst than the proverbial "square one. That is, you're stuck, stranded in the middle of your own life with nowhere to go.

And that scares the hell out of me!!

I want to live a fulfilling life. I want to do well, be successful. Over the course of the last year or so, I've given it a lot of thought about what I need to do, what changes need to be made, in order to do just that.

I've been wanting to move for some time now. Where to? Well, the first choice would still be Minneapolis as one of my best friends, Matteo, lives there. The second location would be the Scottsdale/Phoenix area in AZ, since my best friend growing up, David, lives there. The fact that he still lives with his parents and needs to get the hell out of dodge, I'm sure, has nothing to do with his constant nagging. Nothing to do with it at all! Option number three is the City of Brotherly Love itself, Philly. I have some friends living there that I met, and have been talking to, online for a few years now.

The thing is, I keep thinking that if I move somewhere else, all of my problems will suddenly evaporate by crossing an imaginary state line. And, to a degree, I think it would help me learn how to really live my life the way I want to live it. That is, on my own terms and by my rules and standards. But would moving really make me happy?

What will make me happy?

I mean, yeah, there are things in my life that do make me happy: Cooking, movies, hanging out with my best friends..."Buffy" reruns. All that stuff.

And yet, if I were to die today, would I be able to say, man, oh man!! I lived a happy life?? And I gotta be honest, at this moment, I don't know if I could answer that with a wholehearted "yes." I think that, for as many great things that have happened in my life, a lot of shitty things have happened as well.

Wouldn't it be awesome if life were like a movie in the sense that, once you finally hit that highest high point in your life or discovered that glimmer of hope you're looking for, everything would just fade to black right on that high note and the credits could roll with an upbeat pop song (like "Come Sail Away" by Styx!!). I've often wondered, up to this point in my life, what that moment would be for me. What, so far, has been the defining moment of my life?

What's been your high point, readers? The defining moment in your life?

And yet, here I am: No fading to black, no rolling credits. I'm 26 years old and I've done nothing, as of yet, to significantly contribute to society and I still haven't traveled into the horizon like I imagined doing as a child.

But just as I have been of late, I remain positive, optimistic.

We're into round two of 2007, my lease goes up at the end of September and my plan, as I mentioned, is to move. Now, beyond that point, do I have a clear goal, objective or picture of what the future holds in the near (and distant) future?

Nah. But I need to do something.

It's an impossible itch, trying to figure out what you want, what you need.

Sometimes, though, you have to at least make the effort to scratch at it by reaching further than you've ever reached before...

***

And now, for a bit of shameless self-congratulations...

They said it couldn't be done (well, no one ever actually said that. Not to my face anyway. Fuckers)!!! We've reached the 50-entry mark!! YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! Okay. I'm, um, done now. Thank you!!