Dream Cast

If you had your choice, who would play you in a movie?

That's the burning question of the day, but it's always been a favorite question of mine that I like to ask. If someone was making a movie about your life, or a time in your life that you'd like there to be a movie about, who would you want to have cast in the role of, well, you?

Today, the topic came up when I was conversing (okay...e-mailing back and forth while at work) with one of my favorite partners in crime, Courtney. I asked her who would play her and she wasn't really sure. I suggested Zooey Deschanel from "Almost Famous" (she was the older sister) and "The Good Girl" (in it, she played that punky counter chick who vocalized her profane thoughts on the discount store intercom--by far, the most lively part of that movie).

It's actually something I've always wanted to do. I think I'd make a great casting director. With my gigantic mental dossier of famous--and not so famous--names and faces and my passion for film and characters on film, I'd be awesome!! I could be the next Billy Hopkins (Casting Director for "True Romance," "The Rock" and "Se7en") or Don Phillips ("Dazed and Confused"). That would absolutely, positively be a dream job of mine!!

I remember when I'd go out of town with my dad on business, I'd name off our favorite comic book characters or characters from our favorite novels and we'd discuss who would play them. We (okay...I...hey, after a while, even my dad needs a break from my non-stop motormouth) would do this for hours on end. Before he became the big star that he is today, I suggested to my parents that George Clooney would be a terrific Batman and they were like, "naaaaahhhh!!" [Blogger's Note: to this day, I'm convinced that had he not been handed that shitty-ass, Ev'rybody FREEEEZE!!, "Batman & Robin" script from Akiva Goldsman and not been directed by hack extraordinaire, Joel Schumacher, he would have, hands-down, kicked ass as the caped crusader!! Though, he still wouldn't have topped Michael Keaton, wherever he is...may his career rest in peace] Though, I think we can all agree that I may have hit a low point when I actually suggested that Freddie Prinze, Jr. would have made an "awesome" Spider Man!! And I wasn't even smoking pot at that time!! What the hell was my excuse for coming up with that one?!

Speaking of your friendly neighborhood spidey, my mom still says I remind her of Tobey Maguire and that he could play me in a movie. While she isn't the first person to mention that, I don't really see it. Then again, some people have told me that Danny DeVito, (douche bags!), that dwarf kid from "Simon Birch" (jackasses!!) and Corky from Life Goes On (um, jerks!!) could play me, so I'll take the Tobey comparisons where I can get 'em.

Moving on, when I was talking to Courtney, I listed off a few actors who could play me:

• Seth Rogan ("Knocked Up")
  
• Samm Levin (Freaks & Geeks)
• Adam Brody (The OC)
• Jason Biggs ("American Pie")

But then, later on, I got to thinking, I think the only person who could play me in a movie would truly, honestly be--you guessed it!!--me. Lord knows, I can act (even though I fucked up on my Acting II final by forgetting my lines--hey, it was my first time smoking from a bong, the night before!! How the hell was I supposed to know that could happen?! Somewhere, the great acting director and innovator, Konstantin Stanislavski, must have been rolling in his grave) as Theater was my minor in college.

I know this probably sounds like a dickhead, arrogant thing to say but I really don't think any other actor could truly play me. At best, it might be a decent imitation (like Will Smith in "Ali!"), but let's face it--it wouldn't be me. For obvious and not so obvious reasons.

The most glaring obstacle facing them would be the high voice/low voice thing. Yes, it's true, I have both a deep, masculine voice and a high, girlie voice. Don't ask me why. Seriously. I have no idea. It's not even a Truman Capote voice. It's like an honest-to-G-d chick voice. It happens most often when I get excited or nervous. It also happens if I stop thinking about it. It's kind of annoying, at times, but I've really gotten use to it and it does have its advantages. Maybe I'll write about it another time (yyyyyyeah, right!) in greater detail.

Another hurdle would be that I have very particular mannerisms that really can't be mimicked. Some might say I'm a bit effeminate (okay...a lot of people might say that), but not so much that people would think that I'm gay or anything like that (which would be an incorrect assumption if they did--not that there's anything wrong with it. Then again, I do have that hetero male crush on Hugh Jackman, so who knows, right?). It's very much a happy medium between feminine and masculine (bring on the he-she comment, because I know they're coming!!). If any other actor tried to do it, I think they'd either play all of my quirks for laughs or exaggerate them to the point where they'd be a distraction throughout the whole movie.

No, I would definitely play me in a movie. Hey, I'm way hotter than Howard Stern (oh, no I didn't!!!) and if he's allowed to play himself, why the hell can't I, right?!

Besides, when it comes to H-Def, accept no substitutes.