Save the Date!

I have never been, nor will I ever be, what one might refer to as a player, a pimp or a man whore.

Truth be known, and this is complete and utter T.M.I., but I would rather stay home and watch porn in the privacy of my own bedroom, living room, kitchen, and/or hallway (okay...the closet and atop just about any hard surface, too) than go on a date, blind or otherwise. Hell, most times, I would rather take a bath with my toaster oven than endure the awkwardness and humiliation that accompanies a first date.

And yet, there I was, two weeks ago, with two different dates in two days. Yeah, I was pretty shocked, too. That has never happened to me. Seriously. Never. Eh-var. At first, I was kind of excited about it, thinking gee whiz! Someone up there must like me!

But of course, me being me, the neuroses soon began to set in. I kept asking people--friends, family, co-workers, Romans, countrymen--the same question, over and over and over again: Am I a complete and utter asshole?! I mean, think about it. What if you find that both gals/guys are awesome and they both like you equally and vice versa? What then? The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. What if I had to choose, ya know? I don't know if I could do it.

Could you just imagine? I'd become the first Jewish polygamist!! Actually...that plan doesn't sound half bad!! Kidding. Only kidding. [BLOGGER'S NOTE: Kinda.]

Plus, on a more serious note, there's still someone out there that I care truly, madly and deeply about, someone whose sequins, as creepy and desperate and Swimfan-ish as this sounds, I would follow to the ends of the Earth. What a world.

But all that is neither here nor there. Let's get back to dating.

I've always been the type of person who would much rather go on a dating Web site--J-date, usually--and just find people, talk to them online, progressing toward the phone and, eventually, meet in person. It's how I met my exes. Which probably doesn't exactly help my case, but still...

I mean, I don't think I'm an ugly cat, but I like the idea that they're getting to know my personality first before they meet me in person. It's sort of like a defense maneuver, I guess, an insurance policy. It's not like we don't exchange pictures or anything. They know what, er, who they're getting into from the get-go.

I've always thought that dating is kind of a bullshit way of getting to know one another. I always think of this line that Jerry Seinfeld once said, that dates are like glorified job interviews with the dwindling possibility of sex at the end. It's the absolute truth. After the date's over, you're always left wondering did I get it? How'd I do?!

At 27, I still find myself exasperated and confounded by sexual politics as well as dating etiquette, especially nowadays. On the date with the second girl, she wanted to pay separately. I had no idea what to think or make of this. I mean, aren't guys supposed to pay? Was it even a date or was it two potential friends just "kickin'" it, yo? Stuff like that makes me question everything when it comes to the do's and don'ts of dating and I hate being unsure of myself.

Which is a pretty funny thing for me to say, seeing as there's no one more unsure of themselves than I.

So, to wrap this up. The first girl, who I actually thought there might be a chance with (three hours of great conversation at the restaurant on the first date?!?! Way cool!!) all but fled like the wind from me on the second date. Not sure why. Maybe I was too tall. The second one, well, the jury is most definitely out. I still get a hardcore friends vibe, though, with no clue as to where I stand. I dunno.

Eh. What can I tell you?

It's hard out there for a pimp.