Love Me or Hate Me?

At this point in my life, I've come to realize that there really is no happy medium when it comes to people liking or disliking me.

I'm either someone you either love or hate. You either find me endearing or annoying. I remember there being a time when I wanted everyone to love me. I would literally shudder at the thought of someone disliking--worse...hating--me!!

Now, I don't even blink if I find out that someone hates me, dislikes me. Odds are, if you think I'm an asshole, I probably hate your ugly-ass guts, too.

Even Steven. Just the way I like it.

Seriously, though. I'm an awkward, weird, dirty-minded guy who tends to lack a filter and says what he wants to say and laughs when he wants to laugh, no matter how inappropriate the circumstances may (or may not) be.

I mean, come on, what's not to like?!

I mean, I don't go out of my way to offend or hurt people, but I've learned that I'm going to be who I'm going to be and if you don't like it, well, suck it. I'm a people-pleaser, but I've come to a point in my life where I realized that I can't please everyone and I refuse to change who I am for anyone but myself.

So, yeah.

People either tend to dig that or head for the hills. And that's completely fine with me. I like it that way!!

It's something that I can work with, put my finger on, ya know?

What I cannot handle, however, is not knowing where I stand with people. It irks me to abso-fuckin'-lutely no end. I hate not knowing if people that I care about or people who claim to care about me--friends, family, lovers (no, not all in one breath to all of you filthy pervs out there!!)--drop off the face of the Earth or don't make an effort to get in touch with me or return my calls.

Another thing that makes me freak is when I talk to a friend, a certain immediate family member or--yeah...I'll go there--my See You Next Tuesday (figure it out, innocent ones) of a boss and there's the tiniest bit of an edge in their voices that I can't read.

I hate that!!

To me, there is nothing scarier than standing upon shaky ground or thin ice. After all, it's easy to fall through the cracks.

No, this is not a Howard thing, either. Today, I'm happy to report, I managed to beat the bloody crap out of Howard several times over with a rusty crowbar (in my head, anyway). It's more of a I-want-to-know-what-the-fuck-is-going-on thing.

I want to know how everyone feels about me at all times!! I don't want people to just tolerate me, put up with me.

Noooooo!

I want people to have strong, guttural reactions to my presence. I want women to either swoon, smile, recoil, blanch, or kick me in the balls at the mere sight of me!! I want men to get a fuckin' hard-on, high-five me, slap me on the back, hit me in the face or, well, okay, yeah...kicking in the balls works pretty well in both cases.
[BLOGGER'S NOTE: If you really think about it, a good kick to the crotch works well for just about any occasion, whether you're trying to inflict pain on another human being or just trying to induce gut-busting laughter and guffaws all around. Just sayin'...]

And if you do like (but preferably love) me but have a beef with me, let me know. Here's a tip: Passive-aggressive behavior--which, I'll admit, I'm guilty of partaking in a lot of the time--makes me want to bite you. In the jugular.

Look, I don't ask for much (Okay...that's a complete and utter lie. I ask for a lot!!). Just tell me where I stand and don't leave me hanging. Let me know if you be lovin' or you be hatin'.

I want to polarize the masses. I want to be famous and infamous to all people at all times!! So, don't be passive. Don't be afraid. Get it out in the open, ladies and germs! Step right up!! Step right up!! Come one! Come all!!

Seriously, though...

I promise I'll try to not get mad. Scout's honor (Yes, believe it or not--and I know that many of you won't believe it--I was a cub scout, ever so briefly, many, many, meh-heh-heh-henny moons ago!!) You have my word.

Fair warning, though: I might still kick you in the balls.