But I can't confront the doubts I have
I can't admit that maybe the past was bad
And so, for the sake of momentum
I'm condemning the future to death
So it can match the past
--Aimee Mann, "Momentum" (1999)
"Live with no regrets."
People are always telling me that and, ya know, I wish I could subscribe to that philosophy, but the truth is...I've never been able to do anything without second-guessing myself afterward or beating myself up for my past mistakes.
I am a man who has immersed himself in his past.
After all, I have done bad things in my past, horrible things. For two years, I was a self-destructive jerk who really didn't care about anything. I was foolish with my body and I hurt a lot of people, lost a lot of friends, not to mention some opportunities that could have let me live Happily Ever After.
But those times are just memories now. Most people have forgiven and forgotten. I just wish I could be one of those people. I wish to G-d that I could let myself off the hook for the mistakes that I've made, the horrible choices.
What can I say? I've always been my harshest critic.
It's crazy. There are moments when I'll look back at a mistake that I've made and think about how much better, more fulfilling my life would have been had I not been such an idiot.
And then I just...panic. I freak!!
Not just a little shiver down my spine. I wish! No, I suddenly forget how to breathe, unable to continue what I was previously doing. It's like I'm trapped in that moment inside my head, living it over and over...and it takes fucking forever to calm myself back down, get myself back to good again.
For instance, last week, without going into detail, I was at work when I began thinking about this huge mistake I made in my past and BOOM!! I was gone. My breathing became erratic and I was useless to pretty much anyone and anything--catatonic, baby.
The same paralyzing, suffocating questions kept echoing and bouncing around in my skull: Is my fate signed, sealed and delivered? Am I going to be a failure?
Of course, to the outsider, this is ludicrous and irrational and I probably sound certifiable, an idiot to be sure. But that's the way I am. I've never been able to just let things go.
I know what y'all are thinking: So you made a gross fucking miscalculation. Shit happens!! MOVE ON!!
But it's not just that mistake. No, I can't let myself off the fucking hook--not for a second--on anything.
And people say "no regrets?" Fuck! I wish it were that easy!! I regret everything!! You know the old saying, you'll be as sorry as the day you were born? That's me!! I am always sorry!! I am HAUNTED by my past!!
But I'm trying.
I'm making every effort to push forward, full speed ahead. For the first time in my life, my eyes are focused and trained squarely on what's in front of me, rather than the rubble, the destruction left in my wake.
I am going to fight for my future. I have come too far, at this point, not to. And I am going to win, this time. I don't know exactly what I'm gonna win, but if it's anything that will make me a happier, stronger person, than I will do whatever it is I have to do.
And yes, there are times when I will fuck up, I will make horrible mistakes. It happens to the best of us.
Hell, I know that all too well.
Will I ever live without regrets? No. I don't suppose I ever will. I think anyone who doesn't have regrets is arrogant, wrong-headed and immature. But it doesn't make them bad people.
Look, we were put on this Earth to make mistakes, dust ourselves off, learn from them and teach others to not make the same mistakes we did. I have made terrible, horrible mistakes. But I've learned from them--more times than one on a few.
But I have yet to forgive and forget. I think it's due time that I try.
My life depends on it.
I can't admit that maybe the past was bad
And so, for the sake of momentum
I'm condemning the future to death
So it can match the past
--Aimee Mann, "Momentum" (1999)
"Live with no regrets."
People are always telling me that and, ya know, I wish I could subscribe to that philosophy, but the truth is...I've never been able to do anything without second-guessing myself afterward or beating myself up for my past mistakes.
I am a man who has immersed himself in his past.
After all, I have done bad things in my past, horrible things. For two years, I was a self-destructive jerk who really didn't care about anything. I was foolish with my body and I hurt a lot of people, lost a lot of friends, not to mention some opportunities that could have let me live Happily Ever After.
But those times are just memories now. Most people have forgiven and forgotten. I just wish I could be one of those people. I wish to G-d that I could let myself off the hook for the mistakes that I've made, the horrible choices.
What can I say? I've always been my harshest critic.
It's crazy. There are moments when I'll look back at a mistake that I've made and think about how much better, more fulfilling my life would have been had I not been such an idiot.
And then I just...panic. I freak!!
Not just a little shiver down my spine. I wish! No, I suddenly forget how to breathe, unable to continue what I was previously doing. It's like I'm trapped in that moment inside my head, living it over and over...and it takes fucking forever to calm myself back down, get myself back to good again.
For instance, last week, without going into detail, I was at work when I began thinking about this huge mistake I made in my past and BOOM!! I was gone. My breathing became erratic and I was useless to pretty much anyone and anything--catatonic, baby.
The same paralyzing, suffocating questions kept echoing and bouncing around in my skull: Is my fate signed, sealed and delivered? Am I going to be a failure?
Of course, to the outsider, this is ludicrous and irrational and I probably sound certifiable, an idiot to be sure. But that's the way I am. I've never been able to just let things go.
I know what y'all are thinking: So you made a gross fucking miscalculation. Shit happens!! MOVE ON!!
But it's not just that mistake. No, I can't let myself off the fucking hook--not for a second--on anything.
And people say "no regrets?" Fuck! I wish it were that easy!! I regret everything!! You know the old saying, you'll be as sorry as the day you were born? That's me!! I am always sorry!! I am HAUNTED by my past!!
But I'm trying.
I'm making every effort to push forward, full speed ahead. For the first time in my life, my eyes are focused and trained squarely on what's in front of me, rather than the rubble, the destruction left in my wake.
I am going to fight for my future. I have come too far, at this point, not to. And I am going to win, this time. I don't know exactly what I'm gonna win, but if it's anything that will make me a happier, stronger person, than I will do whatever it is I have to do.
And yes, there are times when I will fuck up, I will make horrible mistakes. It happens to the best of us.
Hell, I know that all too well.
Will I ever live without regrets? No. I don't suppose I ever will. I think anyone who doesn't have regrets is arrogant, wrong-headed and immature. But it doesn't make them bad people.
Look, we were put on this Earth to make mistakes, dust ourselves off, learn from them and teach others to not make the same mistakes we did. I have made terrible, horrible mistakes. But I've learned from them--more times than one on a few.
But I have yet to forgive and forget. I think it's due time that I try.
My life depends on it.
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