Zoning Out

What's more frustrating than entering The Friend Zone? Trying to bust out of it.

For those of you reading this who have never left their homes or have never, ever had any kind of human interaction, well, The Friend Zone is that dreadful Hotel California of relationships where you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

That is, the strictly platonic relationship.

It happens to everyone. You meet someone and you get to know them so well and for so long that you can almost read each others' minds. And sometimes--not always, but sometimes--for some people, that deep-seeded familiarity with the other person can lead to intense--and often misplaced--feelings of infatuation and desire.

And if you are that other person, the object of affection, you have two ways of moving forward. You can nip it in the bud and say, "sorry...I just don't dig ya like that" ORRRR "hmmm...interesting. We should see where this goes." Either choice is fine, but as with anything, actions have consequences, every cause has an effect...so on and so forth.

Say you take the former (and, if you ask me, the safer) route, you risk hurting them and doing irreparable damage to your friendship. I mean, the next time you call them up to hang out, to say it would be awkward would be an understatement of the highest order. You're sitting there, trying to watch a movie with them, wondering if they're actually watching the movie or actually cursing you in their mind, wishing your head would shrink to the size of a peanut. Meanwhile, they're giving you looks of longing, practically trying to will you with their mind to look at them passionately, move in for a kiss...or more.

Now, say you take the latter, riskier route. That opens up a can of flesh-eating, soul sucking worms you don't dare want to take your prized Pampered Chef can opener to. For one, you know the person so well, there would be no surprises. Relationships are built on spontaneity and a spark of mystery. That's why they are so exhilarating. You never know what's going to come next. You put two friends together who already know each other so well that there's a damn-near psychic link, you can look forward to a short-lived outing of lots of boredom and yawns. Secondly, for whatever the reason, if things go south, you've quite possibly ruined a great friendship that's possibly lasted for decades.

Long story short? You are absolutely, positively fucked either way.

In a way, The Friend Zone is like that mystical baseball diamond in "Field of Dreams." Everything is fine and dandy--you're playing baseball with the boys, kicking back a few beers--then some unsupervised little rug rat gets a piece of goddamn hot dog stuck in her throat and you have go grab your fucking medical bag in the middle of the game!!!

Wow. Do ya think that maybe, somewhere along the line, I lost focus on the topic at hand?

...Anyway, you step past those little rocks at the edge, right? Once you pass those, your relationship with the other person has the life-expectancy of a ninety-year-old. And after that line is crossed, there is no going back, no matter much you wish you could. You made your choice...now you have to live with it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am all for taking risks (well, more so than I had been) as well as being honest and sharing your feelings (I am, after all, what many people would refer to as a "'90s Sensitive Male"), but sometimes, repression isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes, there are things that you need to keep inside yourself for the greater good. And the beauty of it is, those feelings, those desires are yours. No one can take those away from you. I mean, yeah, it can be the hardest, most torturous, painful thing you'll ever have do--holding back something as powerful as love and desire.

But that's the beauty--or tragedy, depending on how you want to look at it--of life: There's always something to distract us from the holes inside of us, the pieces that are missing.

I don't know if you're reading this, but I hope it helps. You know who you are. We're best friends, come hell or high water, and I love you dearly.