"I Don't Do Stupid"

I couldn't let this rest.

Look, I'm a pretty easygoing person.

Okay. That's a complete lie. I'm like Mr. Anti-Easygoing Person. But for the most part, when it comes to people, I'm pretty tolerant and I open-minded.

I don't mind it when people disagree with me or my beliefs, the way I think. I don't. Who am I to judge, right? One who is pretty fucked up should not point fingers and stare at those who are equally as fucked up, if not more. That whole glass houses thing, ya know?

But tonight? Tonight, I'm gonna let it rip.

Okay, I'll set the scene.

Me, Kevin, Sergio and Amy, having left Club Nico, arrive at IHOP to meet Glen and his lovely, gorgeous girlfriend Heather (hey, Heather!!!! Hollaback, girl!!!!), for some late-night, drunken munchies.

Okay, let's take it back even a little further.

I had eaten a shit load of Chinese food with the parentals, so all the alcohol I consumed was pretty much absorbed by the mass quantities of Moo shu Pork, BBQ pork Egg Fu Young and BBQ pork fried rice (hey, just because a dude goes to synagogue, it doesn't mean he doesn't have some vices, yo! Don't be hatin'!!) I had managed to shove down my maw. So, for the most part, the following events, for the most part, took place when I was sober...ish.

This red-faced old dude sits down next to me and starts talking to us about what a diverse group we had: Sergio's Hispanic, Amy and Heather are white, Glenn is black, Kevin suffers from B.G.F. (Big Gay Fag syndrome....hey...he coined it himself, not me, ok?!?!) and then...there's me. So, the guy starts kind of harassing Glen about random shit and, what I kinda got out of it, really subtle digs at all of us, then he sees Kevin being all touchy-feely with me and being "funny" with each other and he just starts talking about how he just "doesn't get it, how he "just doesn't understand." He's like, "I've tried, but I can't." Then he goes on to tell Glen how he doesn't see why "they" should get to vote or some ignorant, homophobic shite. He keeps going on and on, until finally...I blew a fuse.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU CRAZY OLD MAN?!?!"

Everyone at our table heard me. At first, Kevin was shocked and like, "Oh, my G-d! Hal?!" And I look at him and say, "he is talking about you!!!! Have you not been listening?!?!"

So, I try to calm down and let things go and ignore the guy who couldn't be more than a few inches away from me. Close enough where he could hurt me or my friends, if he felt so inclined to.

So, Kevin and I are doing our thing--that is, talking and just joshing each other--and the guy just keeps insinuating himself. He keeps looking at us in disgust and saying, "Oh, lord!" or "My G-d!" And I was like, "what is your problem, dude?!

Finally, apparently not being able to take such diversity, he gets up and looks at all of us and says, "this?" and he motions at our table--more specifically, me and Kevin--"This is stupid. Y'all are stupid."

I. Flipped.

"Ya know what, then?! Good! Leave!! Go with G-d, man! Go with Jesus!!"

He walks backwards, pointing at our table, for everyone on our side of the restaurant to see.

"You guys are stupid!!! I don't do stupid!!!"

Amy pipes up and says, "Yeah? Well, at least we're not stupid, ignorant bigots like you!!"

Kevin--no joke--shouts, loud enough for everyone on our side of the restaurant--IHOP, a family establishment, thank you very much!!--to hear: "THEN LEAVE US ALONE, YOU STUPID BITCH!!!!!"

The man did. He walked away and sat down with another group of 20-somethings.

Okay...I want to address this whole "I don't do stupid" thing. Here comes a rant and you're just gonna have to take it.

If you "don't do stupid," then why the FUCK are you coming to IHOP at 1am?!?! What the hell did you expect?!?! That Stephen Hawking would suddenly fucking wheel his limp-dick, ALS-deformed shape into IHOP at 2am and start "talking" about The Big Fucking BANG Theory?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Here's a hint: People come to IHOP because they are drunk and stupid and need comfort food!! I mean, really, who the fuck is going to visit IHOP sober?!?! It's fucking IHOP, man!!!! Christ almighty!!!

Okay...I'm done now.

Call me immature, but when Glen drove me out of the parking lot and, through the window, I saw the guy preaching what I imagine was The Good Word to a new set of younglings, I couldn't help but give the guy the finger.

Look, I believe in G-d alright? I'm a devout Jew (except for the pork thing...and masturbating. But don't hold it against me) and as I've said, I know there's a plan and there is a higher power watching over us, but seriously, if you feel you have G-d in your heart and/or a message from Jesus, or you just wanna be a dumb, ignorant prick and hassle my fat, pasty white ass...

Back.

The.

Fuck.

Off.

Especially past 1am. I get cranky.

Really cranky.