The truh is, I genuinely don't think I was nearly the ferocious, monstrous, manbeast I make myself out to be here. I just had a lot of issues at the time (truth be told, some of those issues still remain to this day). I didn't really have my OCD pinned down, at that point--in fact, I really wasn't sure what was wrong with me. That, and I just was really confused about my sexuality as well as all this relationship stuff, so I just really didn't know how to act and, being the boy that I was--as opposed to a Real Man--I acted like an immature fool. She happened to be in the crossfire of all these issues and my inexperience and immaturity. And, as we all know, sometimes, foolish, reckless behavior can be just as hurtful as deliberate, malicious action.
My point: While I am in no way a saint in the context of this story, I think I was more of a childish asshole than I was some evil demon. I suppose I could just delete this entry, rewrite it, but most of the sentiments ring true. Also understand that when I say she was "The One," that's what I thought at the time. After a certain point, I had no illusions that we were over. The truth is, there is someone out there that took over that mantle. They knew who they are.
Now...read on.]
I think I've reached a crossroads, people. I have finally reached that point in my life where the past has finally become The Past.
It's the End of An Era. Today, I finally lost Rachel.
Many of you don't know who Rachel is to me, but she was the first girl I was ever in a relationship with. She was the first girl I ever kissed and the first girl who loved me. And I loved her, too.
Just not enough.
I hurt her so many times. Not physically, mind you. But emotionally, I was a monster to her. And the thing is, I didn't do it to be malicious or because I wanted to hurt her. Simply put: the idea of someone loving me--the gimpy, awkward, insecure, sexually confused little boy that I was--was a notion so completely alien to me that I downright rejected it and turned it against her.
I came to Philadelphia twice and both times, I left her crying. Same scenario when she came to Omaha. Twice. She left me, tears flowing freely.
I hurt this girl in ways unimaginable. I was cruel to her and she didn't deserve it. And the thing is, I wish I had known what I wanted. I wish I had known better. She was an angel. And I was a devil toward her.
I remember driving to a party to meet some friends of mine and on the way there, I told her that I just couldn't see myself getting married. She asked me why and I told her that people annoy me too much. She looked at me and said, "What are you saying? That I annoy you?" I answered her back with, "quite frankly, yes. You do." I saw the hurt in her eyes and I felt so small just then. I kept my eyes on the road.
I was such a stupid fucking asshole.
Now, let me make this clear: I always loved her. I did. Make no mistake. I just didn't know how to love her the way she needed to be loved. It sucks. Anyway, despite my monstrous behavior, she and I still remained friends. We were good at being friends. I mean, it wasn't like this thing where we talked every day, but we would pop into each others' lives for months at a time and get what we needed out of each other.
I guarantee you that had I stayed with her, I'd be married with a bunch of kids running around. And for awhile, once I realized that she was probably The One, I pursued her. Hardcore, too.
But alas, 'twas not to be. The damage was done. She had wised up. Good for her. She deserved better.
A few years later, she met Andy. A guy that based on the first date, as she described it, was not exactly Mr. Excitement. From then on, I referred to him as "Mr. Boringsteen." But I guess he wasn't so bad. She stuck with him. And despite some growing up that he needed to do, he proved to be The Better Man.
I guess I'm writing all this because after a year of unanswered, unreturned calls, voicemails e-mails and IMs, I finally sent her a text message, telling her that I thought that we were friends and whatever I did to make her angry, I'm so, so sorry.
After a year of nothing, her reply: "I'm not angry with you at all. I've moved on."
I sent her a reply basically saying that there was nothing to move on from. We're friends. However, if that's what she really wanted, I understood. I told her that I wish her only the very best and to take care.
How else do you respond to someone who has basically told you that you're no longer a part of their life as they know it?
I'm not angry. I'm sad. I should have let her go a long time ago. I should have done a lot of things differently a long time ago. The funny thing about it, though, is that it really wasn't that long ago. It feels like it, but I mean, really, five, maybe six years ago isn't exactly ancient history.
I'm happy she's found someone to share her life with. She deserves The World. I wish I had known what I had when I had it. But that's sort of a constant theme in my life--a running joke, if you will. I never know what I have until I've lost it.
Does this story sound familiar to anyone? Hint, hint? Nudge, nudge?
The truth is, as much as losing Rachel for good hurts, I'm going to look on the bright side. This is the end of a chapter in my life. It's a chapter that taught me that sometimes, you just have to cut your losses and try and do better the next time.
I may not be able to correct the wreckage of my past, but at least I know what I want now for the future.
I want happiness for myself. I want a wife, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. I want to be one of those happy couples I see walking around the mall, holding hands, kissing and not caring who sees them, or at the movie theater or at a restaurant. I want to smile and not be afraid that all of it will end in an instant. I want to know that all of the snapshots I have in my head of my future aren't going to blow away--POOF!--into nothing.
Am I getting a little ahead of myself, here? Yeah, maybe.
But hey...ya gotta start somewhere, right?
1 comment:
Jesus man.
P.S. Tuesday's Gone was a huge success.
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