Coming of Age...

"It's complicated."

At least, that's what I have on my Facebook profile.

I've usually never run toward drama like this. Usually, it just kind of follows me around until I either do something drastic or just ignore it to make it go away. But this time, I'm facing it head on.

All my life, I've listened to people tell me what I should and shouldn't do. I've based all my decisions on whether or not people will like me after I do what I do. This situation, as chaotic as it is, is one of the best things to happen in my life, because it truly has made me realize that no matter what people tell you, whether they think something is wrong and immoral or great and romantic, you have to listen to your own heart, your own head and live and die by the decisions you make.

There's someone out there. Someone I've waited my whole life for. I lost her once. And then she found me again. It's a second chance. Not everyone gets one of those. But it's a big fucking mess and, yeah, there are people out there who have told me to do the "right thing" and walk away There are also people who tell me to make my own decisions and be careful.

And ya know? I think I'm finally realizing that, after all this time, I've been forgetting to listen to the one person who counts: Me. At the end of the day, no one can walk in my shoes but me. And it's hard enough to walk in these Nike's on my own without having people push me, to and fro. I guess I just need to do what I'm going to do and let the chips fall where they may. While part of being an adult is being willing to listen to advice from family and friends, there's something to be said for having a mind of your own and making your own decisions.

I've made mine. On my own. I know what I want. I know who I want. And I know what I have to do to get both.

And maybe, in the end, when the dust settles, I'll find that my decision was a mistake. I sincerely hope not, bus as I've said, time and time again, I don't have a crystal ball and I have no idea how this is all going to play out. But at least I'll know that it was my mistake to make and I'll own it. That is something that no one will be able to take away from me.

For the record, however, I don't think it's a mistake. Not by a long shot. I think she's very well worth the rocky emotional terrain I'll encounter on my journey. After all, there is no one on the planet that makes me feel as bright and alive and happy and wonderful as when I'm on the phone with her or talking to her or even just thinking about her.

It is a journey I'm on. And whatever happens, I'll have the blissful, euphoric satisfaction of knowing that I completed it on my own terms.

But I won't lie.

When I arrive at my destination, I hope she's there, waiting for me, at the end. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Nuuuuuuuuuu.