Hal vs. Hal

The only thing I can say to warn you about this entry is the following: Buckle up!! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!!

Lately, I've found myself becoming more cynical and angry and emotional than I've ever been. And this is coming from a guy who is always on. Normally, I'm this big ball of hyper kinetic energy; a walking, talking shot of pure adrenaline to the system. Lately, though, I just don't have any energy. I've taken up this what's the use? mentality that seems to be concerning some while causing others to flee in droves.

As I've mentioned, I'm just really unhappy at the moment. It's true: I'm a wreck. In the last few weeks--hell, months--I have felt like that action hero in the movie where the earth around him is eroding and crumbling beneath his feet, revealing a river of hot, molten lava. Eventually, it's just me standing atop a sliver of rock, waiting for some sort of salvation, perhaps in the form of an outreached hand or a rope from that hovering chopper above me. But no, it's just me and the lava and the flames beneath, with no rotating blades in sight.

Ain't self-pity a bitch?

In the last couple of weeks or so, I've found myself wanting to smoke a big fatty in the most major of ways. And the thing is, it would be so easy to just talk to My Guy, slip him a fifty (or, as I use to do, a hundred) and smoke myself some motherfuckin' kind bud. And for some, it wouldn't seem like such a big deal. Hey, if ya wanna smoke some pot, go for it!! It's no biggie!! And for most people, that'd probably be spot-on. But moderation has never been my thing. And my personality, while being both lovable and sometimes larger-than-life, is a very addictive one. I can't just do a little of anything. I'm either on or off. I am a man of extremes and absolutes. Whether it be my bad habits or my bad moods, I can never be Mr. In-Between.

For the record, I am not going to smoke pot. The moment I get high again, everything that I've been working toward (writing again, getting into a relationship, finding myself, getting a better job and moving) will all be for naught. My love for ganja is fierce; enough so that it would ruin everything and render the actions that have proceeded my moment of clarity on Nov. 18 of last year (see 12:01) pointless. And that, I could not bear to have happen.

So, I'm unhappy. Life is really sucking at this point. And my problem--what my problem has always been--is that I immerse myself in the suckiness. I bathe in it and let it overtake me (think of the black Spiderman costume and you'll get the picture). Let's face the facts: I let it happen. And from there, my life gets put on hold, once again, and when I finally emerge from the wreckage, I have to start from scratch and rebuild my reputation and my life.

Happiness has never come easy for me. As I've mentioned, there have been individual moments where I've been happy, but I've never been an all-around happy camper. I'm not a happy person. But I must say, I desperately wish to be. I'm tired of walking through this life, people watching, looking at The Happy People of this world. It's my turn.

So, what do I do? Well, I fight.

This is my life!! If I can't fight for my happiness and save myself, who's going to?! Cooking, being self-sufficient and not going to mom and dads', every night, is clearly not going to cut it. Doing those things are a start, but they aren't going to make me happy. A better, more independent person? Perhaps. Happy, though? Probably not.

I know: I need to fight for my happiness is pretty vague. And I can't tell you in all honesty what I'm going to do to get me there or that I know how it's going to play out. Right now, though, the best thing I can do, whenever I'm about to shatter, is to close my eyes and concentrate on all the good things that I've got going for me in my life. It's a cliché, I know. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the concept of close your eyes and think happy thoughts is about as cliché as you can get. But for once, I'm going to roll with it.

After all the bitching, the moaning, the crying, the whining...after all this time, it finally occurred to me, today, out of nowhere: At this stage of my life, there really are no helicopters in sight.

And amidst the chaos of my internal war, my private Armageddon, the only outreached hand I can see in the distance is my own.

The fight for my life, my happiness is here. And it's mine and mine alone to fight.

Let the battle begin...