Bar Mitzvah Boy

I hate going to Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. They depress me to no end.

For all the ignorant, uneducated pricks out there, A Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a rite of passage for a young Jewish boy or girl, respectively--usually at the age of 13--where they must, among other things, read a portion of the Torah (if I have to explain to you what the latter is, then I beg of you to discontinue reading my blog because, well, I don't know any other way to tell you this, but you're fuckin' stupid) in front of the congregation. Once a boy or girl has their Bar or Bat Mitzvah, they are considered adults in the eyes of Judaism. It is usually followed by a party--dinner, dancing and LIMBO!!--in the evening.

I remember my Bar Mitzvah all to well. After all, it was one of the best days of my life. It was like a roller coaster ride of kudos, smiles, pats on the back, handshakes, singing and dancing (and LIMBO!!). It was one whole day--nay, weekend--of family, friends, teachers...all there for me!! It didn't hurt that I flat-out nailed my Torah portion and just knocked the socks off the congregation with my angelic (read: still very prebubescent and high-pitched. Ya know what they say: The more things change...) singing voice.

It was truly a triumphant and happy weekend for me, the weekend of my Bar Mitzvah. It was like I was this golden child. I, as well as everyone around me, was so full of hope for me; that I would be this successful, responsible Jew, let alone a responsible adult. And then the weekend ended. And then life happened.

As the saying goes, I never knew what hit me.

Let's see: There were the the sexuality issues, the drinking, the drugs, the smoking and, yes, the meaningless sex (okay, so the last one wasn't nearly as frequent as the others, but still...!!!). I have done bad things to myself...no doubt about it. Things I know that my 13-year-old self would have never imagined doing. Things beyond his comprehension.

And I am embarrassed!!!

I wish I could go back in time and just talk to him, look at him and say..."I know things seem really cool, right now. And you're on the highest of highs, at this moment in time. People are just loving you, right now. But things can get dark in a second. You are going to have many, many fork-in-the road moments within the next 13 years. No matter how hard the choice is, no matter how much fun you think you're going to have, no matter how square and dorky you think you're going to be, just please....do the right thing. Don't be an idiot and just do the right fucking thing. We can be great. We can be so great. Just try your best. And oh, yeah...even if you think your parents are wrong about 99% of everything, just listen to them. They know what they're talking about and they know what they're doing. For the most part. I think."

But that's not a reality. It's a fantasy, a beautiful dream. We play the hands we are dealt. Sometimes, we have a bad hand and bluff and make our own luck. Sometimes, we have a good hand and we still lose. But my life has constantly been one long case of having these great, amazing hands...and then folding; sometimes, out of fear, cowardice and on other occasions, just out of shear stupidity.

But hey, I'm still in the game.

And I know that while my day of innocence as a Bar Mitzvah boy has long since passed, I will never, ever stop trying to do right by that young man standing on the bimah (pulpit) on April 23, 1994, smiling, taking that deep breath and ready to take that plunge into adulthood.

...And yet, as I mentioned, I still hate going to Bar and Bat Mitzvahs because, despite the good eats at the end (hey, what's not to like about bagels, cream cheese and lox after a hearty helping of Saturday morning prayers, right?!?!), they depress me.

I just look at those innocent, hopeful faces up there, standing where I stood, many moons ago, and I see so much of myself in them; when the glass was never a drop below the half-full mark. And each time, a single thought crosses my mind: when times of darkness and temptation fall upon them, which road will they go down?

And it's then, in that moment, that I pray to G-d.